I walked into the hospital and was met with a police officer and an ER doctor. They brought me to a private room and started explaining what had happened. He had collapsed while pressing the walk button on the sidewalk. There were some people nearby that ran to help him. He looked like he was seizing, so they rolled him on his side. His head was bleeding from hitting the ground when he fell. No one realized that he wasn't breathing. By the time the police arrived and started CPR, it had already been about 10 minutes. The ER doctor was saying things like "organ donation" and "making THE decision." All I could think was..."let me see my dad." I went into the room and he was hooked up to a bunch of machines. He was still having what they thought was seizing, but were actually muscle spasms from the neurological loss. I was totally in shock.
My mom and brother jumped on a plane and arrived later that evening. They moved him up to Intensive Care and started a 'cooling process' to attempt to save and brain function remaining. I don't think anything was really sinking in. We went out for lunch with my dad's co-worker who was on the business trip with him and waiting in the waiting room the whole day. There was nothing we could do for 24 hours as the cooling process continued. I stayed the night with my mom and brother at the hotel my dad was staying at.
Let me interject here about the amazing blessings that occurred to us during this time.
Blessing #1: My dad was a frequent traveler and stayed many times at the same hotel. He was a gold member, as he prided himself on status with hotels and airlines (similar to the movie Up In The Air). They felt so bad about what was happening that they put us up in their hotel (for free) while he was in the hospital. They also had a goody basket in my mom's room with a card offering their condolences. The next day my Grandma and Uncle flew in, and they comped their room as well.
Blessing #2: My dad was spending so much time in Cali because the CA sales rep had just quit. Therefore, there was a company car available and his company graciously allowed us to use the car for the duration of the stay.
Blessing #3: My dad had worked for his company for 21 years and was the sales manager. It is a family company, and everyone was trying to help us in any way they could. The owner of the company told us to use the company credit card for our meals and gas during that time as well.
Blessing #4: While I was at the hospital waiting for family, one of the bystanders contacted the hospital to check-up on my dad and see how he was doing. Later that week, he also came by the hospital to meet the family and see how my dad was doing.
Blessing #5: Again, while I was waiting for family, they had a police officer stay with me as long as I wanted. When she finally left, she called later to check in. Every day we were at the hospital, one of the police officers that was called to the scene stopped by to check on us and my dad. They also sent flowers later in the week.
Blessing #6: In the ICU, there was another family with their dad in the hospital as well. It was neat the bond we formed and the conversations about faith we had. We prayed for each others loved one. It was beautiful.
Blessing #7: This ICU had what they called "Intensivists." Meaning the doctors at the hospital were hospital doctors. They were accessible 24 hours a day. They weren't on call or maintained a private practice on the side. They were fully vested in their patients at the hospital, and we felt the connection. The hospital staff and doctors were amazing, compassionate and extremely informative. They helped make the process more bearable since we felt any question we had would and could be answered.
Blessing #8: The fact that this happened in California is a huge blessing. The day prior to the incident, he was in AZ. He traveled all over the US, but it happened where I could be involved and also near the town my brother and I grew up in, Mission Viejo. If it were to have happened anywhere else, I would not have been able to be there with him.
Blessing #9: Chris was able to be with me often because of the distance. Also, since Justin and Jess were living with us, they took care of Christian so we didn't have to worry about childcare.
Blessing #10: My brother, mom, grandma and uncle and I got to spend a lot of quality time together. I feel like our family bond was strengthened and will continue to remain strong.
Well, to make a long story a little shorter, things did not get any better as time went on. We heard more and more about the loss of brain function due to lack of oxygen for the time he was down. My dad never regained consciousness and it came to the point where we had to make THE decision. Honestly, my dad had a living will, so he made the decision, but still there is always that concern that you are making the wrong choice. His doctor said, best case scenario, he would need hospital care the rest of his life, and he "may" know his loved ones, but there was no guarantee. There was so much brain damage that anything that made my dad my dad, was already gone...
My grandma and I flew back to IL on April 28th. When we arrived at my grandma's house, we got the phone call from my mom that he had passed. The finality of it all hit hard. From there on out it was details, organization, meeting and preparation. Nothing was sinking in. I stood, 37 weeks pregnant at my father's wake as hundreds of people came by to pay their respects. Half way through a lot of my friends from Chicago came through and I just sat in the cafeteria catching up with them and joking around, forgetting why I was really home, and why we decided to have a mini reunion at St's Peter and Paul church in Cary.
Chris and Christian flew in really early the morning of the funeral and I sat numbly in the pew watching the service, yet feeling like I was truly miles away. Wondering how a week from that moment I could be in a hospital myself, giving birth to my second son, my father's third grandson. How my sons would have to live their lives without the strength, love and guidance of their grandfather. How they would miss out on his character, his knowledge, his wisdom. How being only 29 years old, I would not have my daddy anymore. Emotionless, I continued to ask the questions in my head and stare at the horrible Priest who knew nothing of my father, yet wanted to try to tell us what we had to say at his funeral....God I hate Catholicism.
The following week was a shift from funeral to baby prep. All the organization and planning I had done was thrown out the window. I was back in IL having a baby. Another amazing blessing was that the same team that delivered Christian, were delivering Caleb. I felt so blessed and comfortable going into that day.
May 14th arrived. We dropped Christian off with his old sitter up in Rogers Park (ironically my dad's name was Roger), and headed to the new NW Prentice Hospital. I walked into the hospital room and a wave of emotion came over me. I saw the bed, the heart monitor, the breathing apparatus...everything that was hooked up to my dad nearly 2 weeks prior. I didn't realize I would be caught so off guard by this. I just clung to Chris for a couple minutes as it subsided and started to get ready to have the baby. The nurse was aware of my situation and why I was having the baby in Chicago and not Burbank. She was so kind to let me have my mom and Chris in the prep room while I waited. A little while later I was surprised by my brother joining the party. I can't tell you how beautiful that was. Everything it represented was so special - 1) Stepping in to what would have been my dad's place 2) Stepping up as my brother, knowing I needed him there and 3) His desire to leave work to be with ME - hard to explain, but incredibly precious to me.
We waited...and waited...and waited. I got pushed back three times due to emergency c-sections taking precedence. Unfortunately my brother had to leave to coach a baseball game before Caleb was born, but the fact that he was there was amazing. Finally it was getting time for me to go. They started the IV, and something happened...my first anxiety attack. I felt like the Hulk. I wanted to rip my clothes and just jump out of the building. I was so hot and unsettled. I had no idea what to do. Everyone was looking at me crazy. Finally I made something up and said..."I have to go to the bathroom." I told the nurse how crazy I felt, and she brought me some cool washcloths, which actually helped me relax and calm down. Mentally I felt fine, but somehow my body was rejecting all of the stress from the past couple weeks, the emotions that I failed to deal with, and the anticipation of a new child. I had an amazing nurse, though, my fantastic midwife and the best doctor. After I got the spinal block (after 3 attempts :) I was fine.
Caleb arrived and I was back in recovery in 45 minutes. We named him Caleb Roger after my dad. I feel honored that Christian is Christian Michael (my dad's middle name was Michael) and Caleb has my dad's first name. Their Papa will forever be with them in name and spirit.
It has been a roller coaster ride of emotions, dealing with (or not dealing with) grief. There are days that I miss my dad so much it hurts, and others that I am scared that I didn't think of him at all. I'm afraid the memory of him is fading already. I know it's not, but I guess the intensity of the loss is becoming more bearable. It pretty much sucks. It has rocked my relationship with God; not my faith in Him, just the way I relate to Him. Prior to this I could handle all of the crap that came our way. In fact, it almost became comical. We started approaching the trials with "Bring it on...lets see what You're going to do this time." That ease and comical approach has changed. I now have a weakened trust; fearing the good times because I feel the bad is right around the corner. I'm working through this; not diligently, but working non-the-less. My life has changed. My foundation has been shook, but I have a beautiful baby, a healthy toddler, an amazing husband, a supportive community, a roof over my head and food on my table. If I can't get past anything else in my mind, at least I can focus on this and at the most, feel grateful.
I miss you dad. Six months went fast, but the holidays and your birthday are right around the corner. I wish you were still here...
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